i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
