He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I supernannyed him into submission
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
