I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
