The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
