Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
