if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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