Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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