Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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