When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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