I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
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