I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
