My liver just broke up with me...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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