So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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