Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
