did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
