Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
