I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
