Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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