dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
