What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
