Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
