It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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