Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
