I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm getting married
To pizza
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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