i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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