I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
