well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
