I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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