I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
