went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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