...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
