wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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