shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
