Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I supernannyed him into submission
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
