This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
