3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
