i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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