So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
