You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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