I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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