You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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