1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
