Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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