At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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