Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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