My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
