Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
