There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
