My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
