How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
